the worst stories, never told: The shart

Photography by Flow Johnson @DoingTooMuchFlow

Photography by Flow Johnson

So, I went out with this girl I had met a few weeks back at a friend's place. We had an incredible time, great chemistry and really had a great connection. The night was going well to say the least. At bar close, we come to the decision to go back to my place for a night cap and to talk. Obviously, we made that choice because sex was the goal. We drunkenly laugh all the way home, hold each other close and get ourselves ready.

What she didn't know is that I had been holding in the mother of all fucking farts for at least 20 mins. It's been an issue, mainly, because holding in farts is the worst fucking experience of all time. I mean hey, don't get me wrong, we all fart and should do it when the occasion arises! But the first date, on the way to sex? No, you keep that damn thing in, and hope you get a chance to run outside or to a bathroom. But, back to the point.

We finally get back to my place. I put on some great music and ask her if she wants a drink. So, of course I seize this opportunity to unleash all the gassy demons from my body. As soon as I made the move, I regretted it. Not only was it loud and way stronger than I expected, but it wasn't a fart at all. It was a SHART. The age old issue with 10 year olds all around the world. I know i'm too old to be having this issue but it doesn't change it. Right there in that moment, I panicked! I knew I could only do a few things and had to think quickly, however I was already too drunk for rational thought. 
I kicked her out. Right there, in the kitchen, with drinks in hand, I yelled, "Hey, I need you to get out!" Thinking I was joking, she clearly laughed but with that laugh came my embarrassment which quickly  turned into anger. "Hey, for real, I need you to go right now. Sorry, something just came up right now and you've got to go."

She hastily gets up and heads for the door. I then had to waddle the embarrassing 6 steps to my bathroom and reflect in shame. After all that effort and great connection's, deep conversations and perfect flirting. hand holding and sneak kisses. It turned into a sad reflection in the mirror with shit in my pants and shame on my mind.